Big feelings are hard for little people. You’ve probably seen your toddler’s face crumpling when grandma doesn’t visit like she used to or your preschooler asking why mom looks so tired after spending all day at the hospital. Young kids are like emotional sponges and they pick up on changes in routines, energy, and even quiet conversations you thought they weren’t listening to. But they can’t make sense of it yet because they don’t know how.
When a family is dealing with something heavy, kids are the ones feeling the ripple effects. They might not understand all the details, but they feel the tension and if you don’t help them with it, you’ll get clinginess, tantrums, possibly even silence.
Let’s see how to help them.
How Children Express Big Emotions
Children don’t experience emotions the way adults do. Their feelings tend to come out fast and strong and you’re probably often surprised by it. For example, toddlers don’t have the words to explain what’s going on inside so they cry, have outbursts, or get clingy.
Preschoolers are a bit more verbal, but even then, they have a limited understanding of big family situations. They might ask questions or make comments that seem totally off the mark, but they’re only trying to piece things together with the small bits of information they have.
When a family is stressed, kids notice. You wouldn’t think so with them playing and doing their own things. But be sure that they definitely notice these things. They’ll notice your hushed voices, worried faces, small changes in your daily routines.
And to them, these things cause stress, because they start to worry and think that the whole world is tilting.
Think about it. YOU are their whole world. And if there’s distress there, they live it. And if you aren’t there to guide them, confusion, anxiety, all these things will quickly follow.
How To Support Your Child’s Emotions
You can’t protect your kids from every difficult moment, and that’s fine. But what you CAN do is create a sense of stability/safety. That helps them process what’s going on.
Here’s how you can do that:
- (Honest) Conversations
Talk to your child in a way they understand. And be honest. Sure, they don’t need every detail of what’s happening, but they need reassurance and clarity. They need to know that they can trust you and they can depend on you.
It’s good to use words appropriate for their age and avoid complicated explanations and euphemisms – these will just confuse them and/or raise more questions.
The goal isn’t to give them all the answers but to open the door so they know they can come to you when they’re worried or confused.
- Validate Their Emotions
Kids need to know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling. Having emotions is a normal thing. If they’re scared, sad, angry, it doesn’t matter… let them know that’s normal. It’s ok.
When they see that adults don’t judge or dismiss their feelings, they learn that they don’t have to hide their emotions. That validation builds their emotional awareness and gives them the confidence to handle big feelings in healthier ways.
- Maintain Routines and Predictability
When things get stressful, children need routines more than ever. Familiar patterns give them a sense of safety and control when other parts of their life feel uncertain. Even small consistencies can be anchors in their day.
Try to keep the environment calm and structured, with clear expectations and gentle reminders.
- Model Healthy Emotional Regulation
Kids watch how you handle your emotions and then they repeat that. If they see you taking deep breaths to cope with stress, they’ll do the same.
You’ll also want to show them that self-care isn’t selfish, so taking time to rest, asking for help, and talking about your own feelings are great ways to set powerful examples.
Helping Kids Cope When Challenges Affect the Whole Household
When the entire family is dealing with major challenges, children sense it and you need to be there for them. One way to help is to gently involve them in supportive roles, just make sure they’re age-appropriate.
You could have them draw a picture of a sick grandparent or help set the table when routines get disrupted.Or encourage them to tell what they’re thinking through a story. This’ll give them a sense of contribution without adding pressure.
It’s also important to teach kids that adults are in charge of solving big problems. This is our (the parents) responsibility. Children can sometimes assume it’s their job to ‘make things better’ when they see stress in the household, so let them know it’s not their responsibility.
If your cousin is sick, their family will take them to the doctor. If grandma isn’t treated how she should be in her nursing home, you’re the one that’ll seek advice from a lawyer who specializes in nursing home abuse to protect her.
When they see you or another adult taking action, not only will they realize it’s not up to them to do anything, but they’ll feel safer in knowing that there’s someone else to take care of the situation when things go wrong.
They’ll know that they can depend on you.
Conclusion
Big emotions can turn into big storms, but they don’t have to. Every time you help your little one name their feelings and reassure them that the grown-ups have it all handled, you’re teaching them skills they’ll carry for life.
So keep reading that extra bedtime story and let them help fold the towels no matter how wonky they turn out. Kids are still developing and helping your child process emotions better and showing them how to stay calm when life gets tough are parts of growing up.
One day, they’ll thank you for it.
Two Jersey Moms, a pediatric occupational therapist & elementary school teacher, providing fun and simple activities to get your little ones learning through play.